He knows that vulvas don’t look like two unused Pink Pearl erasers and smell like Bath and Figure Works vanilla bean, for one.
1. He can grow a non-patchy-ass beard. Which is obviously superior to a patchy-ass beard.
Two. He doesn’t look like a preteen with his T-shirt off. If there’s one thing the Magic Mike guys could learn from Austin Powers, it’s that nothing says, “I’m a man of sex-having age,” fairly like a hairy chest.
Trio. He possesses a vacuum and knows how to use it. Oooh, yeah, work that upholstery attachment that you read about in the Miele manual.
Four. He got over being jealous ages ago. Every stud comes to the realization that being jealous of your dude friends just makes him look sad and lame. Some guys just come to this realization sooner than others *cough*Jason*cough*.
Five. He knows what he wants and he won’t waste your time if you’re not it. You didn’t want to be with that man who desired an “outdoorsy lady” anyway. His name was Todd and you had nothing in common.
6. He won’t have a jumpy breakdown about meeting your parents. He’s met parents before.
7. Added bonus: He’ll very likely get along with your parents better because he’s a little (lil’!) bit closer to their age. Not that he’s old old, but he’ll rock out to Hendrix with your dad in the man cave and not feel too weird about it.
8. He knows how to go down on a woman. College guys are terrible at vaginas. Thanks to the patriarchy, women learn to master deepthroat jobs early in their sexual lives (sometimes before they even lose their virginity) but guys typically don’t figure out that women want their vulvas munched until their mid-20s. Practice makes orgasms, or however that telling goes.
9. And he knows that vulvas don’t usually look like two unused Pink Pearl erasers and smell like Bath and Assets Works vanilla bean. Having seen more than two vulvas, he knows each is a beautiful and unique orchid and he won’t hesitate to compliment yours.
Ten. He doesn’t give a shit if you haven’t bald in a few days. Gratefully, most guys grow out of being the Gam Hair Police in their mid-20s. By the time they’re 27, they could be sleeping with a sexy Chewbacca for all they care. (Actually he’d most likely be into that. He is very excited about the fresh Starlet Wars movie. Maybe don’t bring it up.)
11. There’s a better chance he’s husky. Some call it “dad bod,” I call it husky. Either way, older guys are more likely to be the most comfy snuggle you’ve ever had.
12. He’s so lovely with kids. Have you ever seen an early-twentysomething stud get transferred a baby? He holds it out from his bod like he has stiff little Tyrannosaurus arms and the baby drapes there like, “Who the fuck transferred me to this beer-breathed sociopath in cargo cut-offs?”
Older guys very likely have nieces or nephews or neighbor kids by this point and can interact with a child in a normal way. And holy shit, is it lovely.
13. He doesn’t attempt to get away with not using a condom. In his years of dating, he’s most likely been with a woman during a pregnancy scare and now fully understands the value of family planning.
14. He has his own friends and job and hobbies and schedule. I.e., he won’t be one of those lamewads who clings to your friend group and sits around the house eating Cheez-Its and waiting for you to come over and see Netflix with him. Not that there’s anything wrong with Cheez-Its, but nobody likes a clinger.
15. The three-day rule is a myth to him. If he likes you, why would he avoid you until it’s deemed societally suitable to text? He is an Older Man and his texting knows no bounds. No, you can look forward to text from him either the next day or never.
16. But if you’re right for each other, you can count on him being the Jack to your Rose. I mean he’ll be loyal to you’ til the end. Not that he’s going to die in a weirdo boat accident a week after you embark dating. Maybe the Noah to your Allie is the better comparison here.